Category Archives: mindfulness

Summer Self-Care

Practicing self-care is filling your own cup.

It is important to remember that you cannot fill someone else’s cup without first filling your own.

Every time we fly the flight attendants provide a friendly reminder “Please put your oxygen mask on first.” In every day living how do we do this?

Is there enough time? Short answer…..yes.

Self-care can be as small as reading 10 pages of a book you’ve been wanting to read, walking past your favorite courtyard at work, treating yourself to a coffee, calling up a good friend.

In essence….reaching out.

Practicing self-care professionally and personally helps us to continue with our drive and focus. Thinking about what we need throughout our day (which is often different every day) helps us to become more self-aware reflective, and capable of regulating our emotions. What do you need before a big meeting? What do you need before going home to your family? It can be as simple as a 5 minute break listening to a favorite song, or even sitting in silence, reflecting on a powerfully positive memory.

Fill your cup throughout the day….all day.

Some days we need more brain breaks than others….

This is true for people of all ages.

We can teach our children self-care and self-reflection by teaching them things they can do or ask for to help fill their own cups. We can also provide verbal feedback that helps them fill their own cups.

  1. Have healthy snacks where they can reach. Helping them to understand that when they are feeling hungry or tired they can solve that feeling (in a healthy way) on their own.
  2. Children thrive on structure, but also need down time to help them to regulate their ever changing systems. Schedule unstructured down time. Have an impromptu dance party, act out a favorite book, paint, build a fort, share a book. Give them time to exercise their imagination.
  3. When your child has excess energy avoid telling them to stop, and give them strategies for calming down instead. Go for a walk or scooter ride, incorporate movement breaks into homework, have them help you carry things while at the store.
  4. Point out the positive! When your child tries something new, shares, or works through a problem help them fill their cup! Give them specific compliments, “You worked really hard and stuck with it to finish that puzzle!”, “You are so caring and thoughtful of others when you share.” Give them words that they can identify themselves as in their self talk and identity. “I am hard working, I am kind.”

Big picture: take time for self-care! The time you spend on yourself is your most important investment. Schedule 5-10 minutes 5 to 10 times a day to practice self-care, or take 30 minutes to yourself 2 times a day. The little moments that we allow ourselves to meet our needs, and fill our cups, result in a larger appreciation of ourselves, and a greater ability to help others.

 

Saying Yes to Saying No

“No” is not a negative word.

The word “no” from a very young age can be difficult to hear. Especially as children develop language as a form of communication, and realize the power it has. As adults we can get so excited that our children are talking, requesting, and commenting that we get caught up in the “yes” moment. We also, as human beings, would rather cultivate happiness in others than disappointment (and maybe a tantrum or two). Enter the “no” stigma. At work we may struggle to say no to a boss, out of concern that one “no” could change their perception of us for the rest of our career. At home we may struggle to say “No” to a child or partner out of fear of an argument. However, what if our negative perception of “no” is actually costing us? Over committing, unable to deliver, personal stress, professional stress…

“No” is not about taking away or losing….

“No” is about CREATING and RESPECTING boundaries.

Learning to accept the word “no” and setting boundaries from an early age helps build delayed gratification, problem solving, and the ability to ask for help. Social Emotional Competencies that are strong indicators for future career and relationship successes.

When you HEAR the word “No” how do you feel physically? How do you feel mentally? How do you feel emotionally?

When you SAY the word “No” how do you feel physically? How do you feel mentally? How do you feel emotionally?

Eliminating the negative emotions around “No” (if you have them) means changing your definition or perception of the word.

Using the word “no” means you are setting clear boundaries, you are saying “yes” to what you know you can do at your highest level, you are learning to delegate, you are learning to admit what you do not know, what you want to learn, you are helping a child learn realistic expectations.

You are being respectful of yourself and others.

Teaching children to accept and use “No” is important for their emotional and intellectual growth. It helps them manage relationships, accept direction, and increase their ability to stick with the things that may be difficult for them in order to receive the ultimate reward at the end. It is an element that leads them to develop perseverance and the ability to understand another person’s perspective. People have different thoughts and expectations. You will not always hear “Yes”. In fact, “Yes” will not always be best.

If you have a child who constantly uses “No”, start asking them “Why?” Then take it a step further. Ask them how they feel, how they are making others feel. Ask if there are any other options you could use to meet both of your expectations. Reflect on how often you tell them “No”. Is it all the time? Are we asking the child to be flexible when we are not? In certain instances “No” is not an option. In these cases it can be helpful to give children a choice of two things you want them to do, where either is acceptable. Not starting with “Do you want…”, but a statement “Should we put on your shoes first or your coat?” Practicing hearing “No” in play, as a problem solving game, can also be helpful. For example, painting with different colors and having your child request them. When they ask for orange you can say “No. We can’t use the orange today, but we could see if two colors make orange!” Then let your child mix the paint colors and take guesses! They are practicing hearing and accepting “No”, as well as learning logic!

Saying and hearing “No” is not about highlighting denial or negativity. Its acceptance represents positive growth. It encompasses the ability to set boundaries. It provides the opportunity to practice flexibility and perseverance in navigating road blocks to success. It is a valuable tool in cultivating respect in ourselves and others.

 

 

Freedoms of Choice

Learning to make decisions begins with learning to recognize and respond to provided choices.  As parents and mentors we can cultivate decision making skills, as well as leadership mentalities from a young age.

Confidence in your choices.

Trust in your decisions.

Learning that you are capable of making competent and successful choices results in FREEDOMS.  Freedom to explore new interests, freedom to solve new problems, freedom to grow through the uncomfortable and into successes. 

For young children, even toddlers, we can provide them with opportunities to make choices, while still providing parental or adult guidance.  This may require us to step out of our own comfort zones or add time into our routines (relinquishing control so that our children can exert some in a productive way).  We can lay out different clothing in the morning, and allow them to choose what they want to wear.  When we pack lunch we can lay different snacks out, and ask them which they would like to have.  If it’s family movie night allowing our children to select the movie, and explain WHY they think it’s the best choice for the FAMILY, not just for them.  With my older students, we work on decision making in accordance with time management.  We make a list of what needs to be done, but they can choose the order we complete the tasks.  We trial doing what is harder for us first, or starting with what is easy for us first.  We have a motto in our sessions that “the choice is yours…and the consequence is yours.”

As an adult, and with my older students I am a big fan of the 3 Cs.

CHOICE. CONSEQUENCE. CONTROL.

Reflecting on our actions and decisions.  What was your Choice?  What was the Consequence?  How could and couldn’t you have Controlled it?  Journaling using these can be helpful for children or adults.  Would you make the same decision again for a similar problem OR are you thinking of another decision that you will use for a similar problem next time?  With children, you can talk about the 3 Cs right after they make a choice, whether that choice was expected (had a pretty good outcome) or unexpected (didn’t really work out as planned).

This kind of mapping or connection helps teach that making decisions is an important skill, but we also need to understand the outcomes, and take ownership of our actions.  How great that we as people get to own our actions!  It is a FREEDOM.  We have the opportunity to grow and learn from our consequences, failures, and successes!

As adults we model decision making skills for our childrenWe also model our reactions to our decisions.  Do we make excuses OR do we make connections and corrections?  Do we stress over every little choice OR do we model positive dialogue and self-trust?

We all need structure and guidance in all stages of life.  Moreover, teaching our next generation that there is time for choices, and that they are capable of great ones, helps light the minds of our next great leaders.   

Surfing the Mind

This Summer….Surf’s Up: Brain Beach

 Thoughts……

 They are a lot like waves.  They go in and out of your brain.  Some deliver you calmly to shore, and help you learn how to navigate the mental ocean a little more. While others shake you up in mother nature’s washing machine and spit you out with your bathing suit half off.  In short, thoughts have power, power to change your mood, change your relationships, change your health, and change your goals.  What it can be hard to recognize is that you have power over your thoughts.  When the emotional portion of your brain takes over and tells you it’s hopeless (thanks a lot Amygdala) it is hard to re-connect and logically manage your expectations.   Practicing certain mental habits can help with gaining re-connection to our logical or controlled thought processes.  One of these is through scheduled mindfulness practices.

For example, meditation.  (For those who are already SMH) you do not necessarily need a mantra, or even to sit still.  The idea is to draw focus inward, and calm the mind.  During meditation thoughts are bound to pop into your head.  In these cases, you accept them, and let them exit just as they entered (like a wave)! 

Believe it or not, there is a neurological reason you do your best thinking when you’re in the shower or right before bed.  You have reduced competing stimuli that your brain has to focus on.  This enables the parts of your brain that communicate for complex problem solving to increase your attention and ability to channel a very important human gift: INTUITION and mental flexibility. 

I have a current podcast that I love for this called: Mindfulness in 8 Weeks: 20 Minutes a Day Program

For children, I like to use the term “Brain Break”.  When one of my children or teens is really stuck we take time to let their mind “wander off”, and then we come back to the problem.  There’s no technology involved….maybe drawing, “fidgeting”, or movement.  We specifically discuss what may help our brain “wander” (ex: movement, coloring, music, jokes, etc.)  Before we return to the problem we check in on how we are feeling (ex: relaxed, calm, still fidgety, stuck).  Creative problem solving is often cultivated during times of boredom or “down time”.

Another child friendly tool is a great book called “What is a Thought? A Thought is A Lot” by Amy Kahofer and Jack Pransky

Schedule brain breaks for you and your family this summer.  Allowing ourselves to be bored enables our minds to return to flexibility and creativity.  Both are valuable tools for success.